Addiction. Fixation. Retraction.

This past month, the month I was going to bust everything into high gear for my Doomsday, took quite a different turn. Although I kept up with working out, started running again, made some weight PRs, how I facilitated other aspects of life were less than ideally. Mainly, eating. I know a lot of people respond with, “Oh, you’ve done so well, you’ll get back on track”. I’m starting to think now, even more than the last two years, as I move more away from the old life I used to live, and in some ways my body and mind are moving back towards that life; a life I know I never want to live again. I find myself craving to a level that can only be described as physical that I want (although feels like a need) sugar, crap, whatever it is, and even if it is healthier, I want to eat it all and overconsume the entire contents of whatever it is I am eating. This not only scares the hell out of me, but makes me worry for the future.

I’ve had binges in the past, bad spurts (basically the entire first three months of this year). In a lot of ways, those felt like challenges that I had to overcome, as if life was throwing a log in my path and I had to hurdle over it, but this feels different, it feels like it is inside of me, trying to make me fall back completely. I don’t know what it is like to be a drug addict, but I can only imagine some of the feelings that I feel are similar, chemically, as a drug-addict. I never thought I had food addiction, but the last month I have really wondered. I binge completely (ice cream and peanut butter being the latests poisons), but I don’t just have a scoop or a bite, I eat and eat and eat. As with many transformations, maybe I am still working through other issues in my life, and my body is regressing to food consumption as a mode of defense. I went so far as to throw away the peanut butter in the trash so I would not eat the rest of the entire container (over 100g of fat anyone).

Although, it scares me, demotivates me, and makes me feel negative about myself, I am proud and can say I have been keeping up with fitness. Despite my knee issues (yes, I am still having them), I have been running, weight training, and have returned to CrossFit. I bought some outdoor wheels for my skates today so I can go on the paths, and I went on a beautiful 8 mile hike. So, I am staying active, which is a huge piece of the puzzle, but the quality of life issue is related to the food, and it is a deeper issue. I think I have been feeling a bit isolated and lonely lately as well, so that is probably part of the reason. Although I have felt that way throughout this year, I think it is catching up with me, and my body’s memory of having to deal with those types of feelings is related to just feeling happy with delicious food. Not all progress is lost though, when I think about things like McDonald’s, I still gag. It isn’t even necessarily the food, it is the overconsumption of that food.

In the past, my blogs have been written when I am OUT OF THE FUNK, and I haven’t written in awhile, partially due to this, and partially due to being very busy, but I am still in the funk. Just today I started feeling on track. Actually this whole week has felt generally good, but then I mess it up at the end of the night binging and making the entire day not matter (last night it was ice cream). The snacking syndrome hath returned.

One thing I do know because I know myself well enough is that I will never weight over 250 lbs. again. A lot of people say that and fail. Statistics are against me (I still have over 6 months before my 3 year mark, where they say people never make it). I know now why people never make it and gain the weight back. It is because of the intensity of the emotional eating, the need to consume the food. In many ways, other things in my life are consumed obsessively as well, music, people, etc. It is how my brain works, but with food, there are some serious backlash to not being able to control that feeling.

Food is such a funny part of our society; we need to eat it to live, but from the time we are born we are not taught to eat food to live, we are thrown chocolate chip cookies and fatty burgers to satiate and fuel ourselves. It’s a messed up system that I sometimes feel victimized by, but I am adult, and I can make my own choices. When I get an overwhelming sense to consume, I can tell myself no, even if it feels like I am depriving myself of something my mind feels is essential.

I will get through this, I know I will because I have not fought to be the person I am today for the last two years to throw my arms up and fall victim to a fucking pint of ice cream or a jar of peanut butter. I just need to find some ways to stop my hand before bringing the spoon and fork to my mouth and instead make a better choice.

If you are struggling right now, it is normal, it is part of this crazy transformation, even when you have done it for over 2 years. There is never an “end”, and accepting that is part of the process. I may always feel this way, so I can either indulge, feel guilty, eat away my emotions and feel bad about all the choices I make, or I can strive past the intense desire to feed myself and once the feeling subsides, feel like I am stronger than my desires.

The funny thing about a transformation is that it is just that, it is changing from one form to another, but the essential base of what it was before is still part of it. One thing can not transform to another by abandoning every property it once had, but we can transform back or we can continue to transform to what it is we want the most, which for me, is not a jar of peanut butter.

p e r s e v e r e . t r a n s f o r m

 

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