Gotta Get Through This

This blog is a confession, in part because I feel regret, and in part to show that even after you have learned all the lessons of your fitness and weight loss journey, it can go away in an instant. Not that my progress has gone away, but I been feeling a lack of control lately. Over the last month, on three different occasions, I got ice cream to show I could “Just have a little”, and failed all three times, in a pretty major way. This led to regret, and falling into my own mindspace. On average, I feel like my eating has not been the best and I have not been making the same, healthier choices I was making just a month and a half ago. 

Coupled with this disappointment, is the fact that I injured my knee somehow. It is tight behind the kneecap and when I lock it out straight, a decent amount of tension pulls on the muslces surrounding my leg. I have been icing and doing what I can, but it’s been about two weeks, making my fitness progress feel completely stunted. 

Coupled with those issues, I feel like having led such an active year, that this winter, blizzard, snow-crap is getting the best of me. I don’t feel so much like I have seasonal depression, but rather that I feel confined. Of course, I could go outside, but I am always feeling so cold (I used to have 100 lbs. more body fat to keep me warm). 

Coupled with those issues, stress has just been at an all time high. Between balancing work, starting my own business, classes (capstone and a doctoral class), fitting in interpersonal relationships (which has taken quite a backseat), and making sure I am doing everything I need to be doing fitness wise (which has been lacking), it all feels like I am always doing something and have little time to just sit and relax. A prime example is the 3 huge bags of laundry I have yet to do (this weekend!). It’s one of those times where life is just happening fast and steady and I am just trying to keep up.

Yes, yes, you are thinking “what a bunch of excuses”, and to a certain extent, they all are. I feel they have their legitimate points, but I also feel like this is the biggest struggle I have had in the two years, which is surprising especially after losing that much. I realize why the statistics of regression are so high, it’s almost like you reach this point (even with my goals), where something slips and fades. That isn’t for everyone, and I really hope that with the recovery of my knee and the spring coming up that these things go wayward, as I do want to meet my goals. It was hard, as I started 2013 with a 2.5 week flu, then not long after my knee, so things have felt like a constant challenge in keeping up with this progress. It sucks to feel like the world is challenging me, when I am still trying to get to certain goals and become a better person. 

With that said, here, I proclaim, that I indeed, CANNOT buy ice cream and trust myself not to indulge. It sucks for me to admit that I feel like I am lacking control, and maybe when I feel like I am on track again, I can try, but at this point, it’s just adding insult to injury (literally). 

Tomorrow is a weight training day, which is always good for me, mentally. I do feel like I am getting stronger and adding muscle to my body and I enjoy my trainer. It’s one of the things making me feel tied to fitness. That and fitness skate, which is also tomorrow, which is difficult because if I fall on my knee, it creates a whole other world of problems, but it clears me mentally, so my goal is to go, but just take it easy, try to have fun, and clear my head. I never realize how psychological an injury was, and it is def. a brand new challenge for me, but one that I need to surpass just like all the other trials I have faced to get to the next step of where I need to go. 

There are positives, last week, there was a Derby prom at the skating rink where I took photographs, it was a fantastic time, and I feel like I do have support from people, although not everyone truly understands what is going on inside. Luckily, some do, but change has to come from within, so I need to look beyond all of these things, realize that this is all temporary and try to truly schedule things. I think part of that is getting good sleep, which has also been lacking, which is why I shall now end this blog in order to get enough sleep for work tomorrow. 

So, if you, like me, are on the down and down, let’s get through this together, we are strong, we’ve learned what we need, and we just need to set the train back on the rail. We know the rewards are well worth the work, that the challenges will be difficult, and the results for failure are way greater than the work to progress. Take it day by day, tell the ice cream to take a hike, and do what you can, TODAY. 

Keep on keepin’ on. 

One comment

  • Anonymous  

    I feel like this spoke to me. I’ve battled depression for the past 15 years. Just recently I was the happiest I’ve felt in years. However, something just reminded me that it was just an illusion. I’m not happy with me, and I don’t think I ever will be. I’ve attempted suicide more times then I can count. But the body is a tougher then I realized.

    I’m glad your happy Matt. I truly am. I’m glad you can put one foot forward and know the pay off is well worth it. It just hasn’t worked for me, it’s just an illusion of control. Take care.

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