Upswing

Hello all. I know I have been MIA for a few weeks, and most of it is due to all of the stuff in my last post about being in a rut. Not much had changed, so I just felt like I was going to hash over the same issues about my knee, winter, stress, work, school, and everything else going on. 

Well, the last couple of days, things have felt different. My knee still has some tension in it, but overall, it feels like it is getting better. Even though it is still cold out and snowing whenever it damn well pleases, the days are feeling warmer and less snowy. Most importantly, my head feels clearer and my body is feeling better. Part of that is probably due to the fact that I have been back in line with my diet. No more 1100 per piece peanut butter pie for me (yeah, that was bad). 

I know I emphasized in my last post that ruts are temporary, you have to push through no matter what to get to your goals, and that it is important to remember your overall achievements when you get down. A few weeks back I made a motivation board with my old “100 lbs. larger Matt” photo on it with a list of accomplishments that I have made (half marathon, weight loss, changing my diet, CrossFit, gaining more confidence) and focused on what I left behind (terrible food, heart disease, diabetes, laziness). Usually these board inspire me, and although I looked at it over and over again, the stressors I was feeling were far too overwhelming. Even though I was going to the gym, I found my benchmark being my lack of attending CrossFit. I only missed one or two classes during the first semester of school, and I have only been to a couple this entire semester. I have been keeping up with weightlifting and fitness skate, but I still felt as if a piece of the puzzle was missing. 

My goal is to return this Friday. We are on Spring Break, but a bunch of folks are still meeting to do workouts, which is part of the reason I love CF so much is the people that go. 

Anyways, my head was foggy, my body was resistant, and things felt dismal. I just kept thinking, “Is this the end of a all of my progress”, “is this the point where people regress, lose their motivation and fail big time?”. Well, it was that point, but I didn’t let it stop me. Even though my body and brain were telling me to give up, something deep inside pushed through just at the mere thought of losing it all. Even the days when “you are worth it” didn’t seem enough, and the all of the hokey pokey images floating around the internet seemed like a propaganda of a mind that was set in motion, not in stasis. 

After two months, I am finally feeling the upswing again. It felt overwhelming for such a long time to feel as if I was being challenged by something, to challenge all of my hard work over the last two years. I failed several goals due to the fact that I had an injury, I haven’t been able to really start running (my first race is this Saturday!), but ya know what – that is life. We are going to have days, weeks, and even months where the end fogs up and the shit storm of our days gets in the way of seeing our goals, our reflections, and our future. 

THIS CANNOT STOP YOU.

If you let the loss of sight steer you backwards, who knows what you may have to do to get turned around. You have to set your systems on autopilot and DO WHAT YOU CAN. Not feeling up to running 8 miles, well, run 1 at least. Do something, and even after days and weeks of feeling like nothing is coming, keep going. Everything is at stake. 

This week was makeover week on The Biggest Loser (say what you will, I still enjoy the show for the personal stories). This week is always emotional, as people transform, see themselves in a new way, and get new outfits. The outfits are not about fitting into a smaller size, they are a symbol of progress, work, ambition, and so much more. It was emotional for me because I just think of the size 42 that I used to wear (now a 32), and just wondering how I ever let myself get like that. Although at this point, I had already been feeling good for a few days, and as stupid as it might sound, really hit a nerve with me that I have done way more than I think I give myself credit for. Running 200 miles? Who does that? Well, athletes, which is something I have never done. People who are active, people in shape, and people who are running towards something. In the moments of watching these transformations, it reminded me of my own, how I fought day in and day out when I felt at the top of my game, and when I had to drag myself to gym. That is the feeling I had every day these past two months, frontloaded with injury, freezing weather, and stress. Those things are still lingering, but my mind feels different. 

We cannot let the darkness surrounding us define who we are and what our abilities are. So, if you are feeling down, feeling like you aren’t completing your goals or doing what you can, just hold on. Do not turn around because the further you walk away, the more you are going to regret being less than you can be. 

I will keep on keepin’ on. 

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